Whenever I see rewards posted for the capture of evil leaders, I always envision myself walking down the street in Somerville and seeing Saddam just hanging out in Davis Square or something. I actually could see him in the “one dollar store,” picking up and examining things like no-name dishwash detergent or cheaply made shovels. I would casually approach as if nothing were out of the ordinary, then tackle his ass in a fit of rage and kneel on his chest until the feds came along. After that, I would bask in the national attention we all long for and reap my riches in my house on the ocean. I’m not kidding. Sometimes I seriously think this could actually happen. I’ve told Stephanie that I want to be the one capture Whitey Bulger, but then she gets scared that someone will come along, exact some revenge, and kill me. These are the kind of things I think about. A lot. I know, I’m weird.

However, I am 100% convinced that Saddam Hussien, the weapons of mass destruction and Osama Bin Laden will all be “found” right around the time when the elections heat up. It’s gonna happen that way. My feeling is that we already have possession of both leaders – dead or alive. Really. I feel that way. Makes sense, right? Bush will use all three as ploys to get himself re-elected. Happy Birthday, America.

Song now playing: Veruca Salt – “Don’t Make Me Prove It”