So, as mentioned below, I went in today for some minor surgery – to remove what turned out to be a cyst on my left arm. Surgery, under any circumstances, is pretty nerve-wracking. This particular procedure, for example, was nothing compared to what my friend Dave went through. That said, surgery is surgery and I’ve never had someone cut me on purpose. Until today. So when they slap you down on the table in a room that just exudes steely, over-sanitized nothingness and you’re wearing one of those weird hospital shirts with no back, you know you’re in for a ride.

Truth be told, the only thing I felt was the prick of the novacaine needle. I couldn’t bear to watch, so I just tilted my head to the right and talked small-talk with the doctor, who was pretty hilarious, thankfully. Without getting into too much gross detail, I enjoyed his comments when he first made the incision into the cyst and had to quickly weave his head out of the way because of the “projectile.” His comment: “well, thank god it wasn’t something that was alive, right? Definitely a cyst.” During this time, he’s using what he calls “the pen” to stifle blood vessels – essentially blocking any bleeding so he can see what he’s doing. Simply put, it’s a small electric shock, and I can barely feel it, the same way one can feel a normal shock from warm laundry or whatnot. The thing is, I know I’m bleeding because I can feel it running down my arm. Nasty, I know, but Rustedrobot tells the truth, no matter how gross or ridiculous. Anyway, the doctor participated in all this with a healthy dose of biting sarcasm, so we got along fantastic. Fantastic, that is, until I heard him say to his assistant, the equally sarcastic Maureen, “I need more local anethesia and you need to ground him.”

Now, when someone says “you need to ground him” and you’re a 32 year old laid out on a surgical table, you wish they were talking about forcing you to stay in on the weekend because you’ve been a bad boy. That’s not what they mean, though. What he means is this: “I need to increase the electricity because he’s bleeding a lot and I can’t see.” So they strap me up to this big machine and drop a large pad on my left leg to “ground” me in case of severe electric shock. How comforting. However – completely normal procedure according to the doctor.

End result: I have a hell of a wound on my left arm and I am no longer in possesion of a cyst. Said cyst is being analyzed and hopefully that’s the last I hear of it, but they will, by law, analyze it and get back to me within five days if there’s any problems. All indications are that it was just an innocent cyst. I believe him, but will remain sitting on my hands for five days…..believe it. Now – a weekend of Tylenol and Red Sox-Yankees!