You know what makes me laugh? When I see or hear things becoming “The Official State _______.” This morning, I couldn’t help but snort when I saw an article in the paper that basketball is now the official state sport of Massachusetts. At first, I began to think about the many reasons why basketball (yawn) shouldn’t be the official state sport and then it hit me: why am I even weighing this? Who cares? Nobody is forcing me to watch or play basketball, right? That’s a good thing, too, because I’d die of boredom. Nobody is forcing me to line my front yard with the state flower, right? (the Mayflower, for those of you keeping tabs at home).
Anyway, upon further investigation, I’ve discovered that our state has a lot of completely ridiculous “official” stuff. The State Bird is the Black-Capped Chickadee. We have a State Game Bird – Wild Turkey. Can you guess the State Dog? It’s the Boston Terrier, naturally. Who the hell determines this stuff and why? We have a friggin’ State Horse!!! You hear that? A State Horse.
We also have a State Shell, a State Insect, a State Mineral (??) and a State Fossil. Yep, a State Fossil. Some may argue that the State Fossil is actually Edward Kennedy. That is not true. The state fossil is actually civility. And get this, not only do we have a State Rock, but we also have a State Historical rock, a State Building Rock AND a State Explorer Rock! FOUR State Rocks! Just what the hell is an explorer rock??? We have a State Heroine, Deborah Samson, who undoubtedly was the wife of some assface in the state government who probably spent more time coming up with state symbols than governing. OK, OK, the truth about our State Heroine: she fought in the Revoloutionary War, disguised as a dude named Robert Shurtleff. Huh?
Oh, it’s not over, either. We have a State Marine Mammal, a State Gem, a State Dessert and a State Cat. My two favorites: the corn muffin has been designated the official Massachusetts State Muffin and you’ll never guess what the official Massachusetts State Dance is……..it’s the square dance. Goodness.
Realizing all this, I can only guess that “wasting time” is the “official state goal” of politicians and although that can’t be found in any official state scribe, you can see examples of it in your daily Boston Globe each morning. Speaking of which, I’ve successfully attained this goal with today’s post.
Update: funny. I just checked AOL.com’s home page and it is honestly pure coincidence that this story was one of their lead news stories.