Maynard, MA (AP) – On a beautiful late Saturday morning in New England, as a gentle breeze flowed through the small town of Maynard, Massachusetts, 3-week old Zachary Copetas accomplished the first of what his father hopes will be many milestones and accomplishments – he pooped on someone. Generally, Pampers do a fine job of keeping certain contents where they’re meant to be, but on occasion even the best of diapers cannot withhold such projectile. And on this Saturday, young Zachary’s eyes started to squint, his face turned that special shade of red, his colon undoubtedly tightened and then, not unlike Mount St. Helens, there was activity. The victim, you ask? None other than corporate big-shot Rob MacLeod, co-founder and President of major Boston corporation Neoscape, whose right leg will forever be enshrined as the first human body part that Zachary shat on. Congratulations, Rob!
Both the shitter and shitee appeared non-plussed in the press conference afterwards. MacLeod, undoubtedly having plenty of experience being shit on as a ten-year business mogel, shrugged it off and said “it’s no big deal.”
Zachary took a much more bashful approach. When asked about the event, he stayed ever-so-silent and used sign language to say “hey, it doesn’t matter if you own a business in the big city or mop floors for a living, if I want to shit on you, I’m gonna shit on you.” He then farted loudly and fell asleep, with a faint smile crossing his face.